Sense of Community in Church... or Not?

I don’t mean if you’re an agnostic and your mom drags you to church once a few times a year for the holidays or anything, I mean actual Christians who regularly (if they can) attend.

I love my church but I have never made a single friend there. I mean, I sort of am acquainted with the pastor’s elder daughter. She’s one of the nicest young people I’ve ever known and really has her life together (though her parents have always pushed her and her siblings hard, I know, and is the overachieving type your parents LOVE to compare you to in a “why can’t you be like them?” way). But she’s always super busy being in lots of activities, much more devoted to God than I’ve been, has her own little set of best friends, and as the pastor’s kid lots of people want to talk to her. Oh, and she’s married now. Her younger sister my age is also engaged (welp, there goes my potential roommate! ). When my dad got custody of me when I was 16 I was already hesitant to go to church- I was less of a Chragnostic as I had been as a kid but not quite a true Christian even though I really believed in God and demons and such then. But I hate crowds, feel deeply uncomfortable in them, I disliked how long the worship music was that I could never get into, although everyone was perfectly nice, if much more outgoing than me. But after years of going I got into it and even looked forward to it, especially after I started working full time and almost never got a single Sunday off, so I REALLY started to miss it and missed being around nice, encouraging, Christian people.
But anyway, as much as I love my church, I’ve come to realize something after checking out the reddit True Christian section for the first time. Some guy posted about how tired he was of having no Christian friends and though he didn’t want any perfect ones, just some that were at least trying to follow God, and tried hard to make friends at his Christian college/church, they were rather preppy and more outgoing and didn’t seem to want to talk to anyone who wasn’t. I really relate to this- I don’t doubt most of the kids my age at church are perfectly nice, but they do seem to only gravitate towards ones like them, ones that are preppy, sociable, do lots of activities, etc. They’ve already found their own pairs/groups and even cliques to get into and not one that I can remember but my pastor’s daughters has even tried talking to me. I’m sorry if that makes me sound bad, like I don’t want to try talking to them, but I’m very socially phobic and get nervous about meeting people, especially ones my age, and don’t even bother trying to introduce me to guys, I freeze up around them bad. My dad wishes our worship leader’s daughter who is a year or so younger than I and also into art/very quiet were friends but she never notices me at all, even when I helped her with an item at the store I work at, even though my dad introduced us before. she also has her own best friend. I feel pretty isolated and discouraged because I have absolutely no Christian friends (outside my awesome tumblr followers) to talk to.

On one hand, I love my solitude. I’m an introvert and NEED to be by myself to relax and recharge and think clearly. Being around too many people, especially for too long, just exhausts me and makes me cranky. On the other hand, Christians need fellowship and I could definitely use more friends right now. Most of the time I’m too tired after the long bus ride home from work to hang out, but on some days off and even just talking/venting would be great, exactly what I need. My boyfriend is more of a Jesusite (used to be an atheist till we got close and eventually, unintentionally, became an item) and my best friend… I have no idea what she beliefs anymore. she used to be sort of a Lutheran growing up I think, till her parents didn’t get back together and she kinda stopped. Then in the typically bratty/rebellious tween/early teen years she decided to become an atheist. Then she sort of believed more. Now she does have some understanding of sin and I’ve gotten her to go to church with me once or twice (and she’s gone with her sister, who’s about in the same boat as her I guess once) but she doesn’t care to stop what sinful lifestyles she’s leading. And now she’s having a baby, which obviously is gonna have some big changes. My dad can be a great source of righteous spiritual knowledge and encouragement but he himself has terrible habits when he’s outside church and can be an honestly nasty person to me sometimes (which in turn makes me want to be nasty right back, and I often do, but I don’t want that negativity in my life anymore).

These Are a Few of My Favorite Blogs

I've discovered some awesome blogs over the past few months- typically by pure accident, just Googling up ideas and beliefs I like and seeing what comes up (feminism, homemaking, and Christianity together being a common thing I've been looking up). Here are a few of them. Enjoy!

1. Ladies Against Feminist/Beautiful Womanhood This isn't a new blog by far, and it's pretty well known, but I had to include it! It probably deserves to top the list the most (although the rest aren't really in order), and it's one of the first I originally stumbled upon. They hit many good points and ideas our society is badly in need of hearing.

2. Generation Cedar Almost ties with LAF, as they are very similar, but I prefer LAF slightly (I think GC occasionally comes off as too condemning of women, even if it doesn't mean to, but it has most excellent beliefs, recipes, etc.).

3. Forgiven Former Feminist A very excellent young woman's blog with an equally excellent testimony- how many feminists have you ever met that actually turned their way of thinking completely around? I love her way of thinking now!

4. Heart at Home You know, I totally forgot how I found this one, despite it being only a few days ago when I did. I think I was looking up something about lemongrass? Well, either way, she's another great Christian blogger with great recipe ideas. I'm becoming a tip hoarder (frugal tips, craft tips, organizing tips, I love 'em all) and she has sooo many good ones.

5. Aspiring Homemaker Discovered yesterday thanks to HaH. Very pleasing to look at- like seeing a Victorian painting postcard! She enjoys the simple life and if you didn't know better, you'd think she and her home stepped right out of the early 20th century.

6. Raising Olives I LOVE big families! This is always fun to read, especially as she homeschools her kids, something not uncommon with big Christian families but I have always found very interesting.

7. Domestic Felicity An articulate Jewish homemaker living in Israel with a strong Biblical view on feminism, pro-life issues, and femininity, discovered thanks to LAF. I love reading her political posts so much, as she is both a solid and graceful writer.

8. Deep Roots at Home Ahh, I almost forgot this, but how could I?! This is also a very recent favorite. She mostly posts about gardening, home remedies, recipes, etc. (and they are great) but the first posts I originally discovered were a series about modesty (which I'm still reading). They are wonderful and give good advice about what to wear in summer, for errands, around the house, etc.... in skirts! Yes, this has helped motivate me to wear skirts more. (Unfortunately it's still too cold to wear any here, but I am pretty well prepared for summer and spring!)

9. Couture For Christ OK, this is actually a fashion blog, but it's still one of my favorites. It's just such a shame Southern Belle, the blogger, hasn't made a post since over 2 years ago (can't believe it's been that long!). CFC was one of my first favorite blogs. She's very into all that is tasteful, feminine, and classic, another big Victorian fan here. I really hope she comes back, but in the meantime, there's still plenty for me to read on her blog.

I'm a HIT: Homemaker in Training!

After years of being indecisive about what I'd like to make my professional, lifelong career (and ranging from teacher to writer to makeup artist), I have chosen the oldest calling in the book.... homemaking!

Say... is that Donna Reed? Mary Bailey is one of my favorite homemakers!

I never thought about it before, but as I grew this year, in femininity and spirit both, I realized the utter importance of being there for your family in the home. After all, if you don't raise the next generation, who will? Secular schools? Strangers in classrooms? TV?

I'm one of those people who is mostly moderately good at a handful of things (although I truly believe writing is my best talent) and frankly, I just don't think I work well under someone else, with no room for creativity or anything. As a homemaker, I am my own boss working alongside my husband, and can creative to the high Heavens for my future family's needs and demands. I am actually excited thinking about it!

Of course, I fully plan to keep writing as well as I do this. I will probably even blog about my adventures as a  housekeeper, mom, free maid and live-in chef, too. I mean, maybe I'm just a dork, but I get excited when I find cool ways to live frugally and clever organizing tips!

You know this craft area is your living dream.

People who put down homemaking... well, you have to laugh. It's kind of naive. Living in squalor is strong and clever? Doing what YOU want and living for the self is being an independent woman? Sorry, I can't say that's true. If homemaking isn't YOUR calling, fine, but don't trash the idea just because you'd rather have more money than a great home and happy family. Don't knock it till you try it!

The Anti-Ladette

I have to say, I have really grown in my femininity over the past few months. Truth be told, I just got sick of the strange but commonly accepted dislike, or even hatred, of "girly girls", feminine women, proper ladie, etc. get while tomboys, ladettes (am even more masculine version of the tomboy, badically), etc. get nothing but praise and respect. And as contrary as I am (I admit it!) this sort of made me want to be more feminine. Yes,  part of me really did want to embrace Biblical femininity, but an immature part of me wanted to "rebel" and spite what society says about femininity... which isn't very good.

Notice how poorly "girly" women are portrayed in movies (Mean Girls is an excellent example): always mean, shallow and selfish (like Regina George, the queen bee) or vapid and useless (like Karen Smith, the "sexy" but dumb one) or gossipy and insecure (needy sidekick Gretchen Weiners). Only when a female takes on traditionally masculine roles or hobbies is she seen as a role model or a strong heroine. How sad is that? The really scary part is that this is what modern feminists typically encourage women to be like- and in doing so, completely not seeing how ridiculously ANTI-WOMAN it is! It is saying "Hey, women are lame and men are great, so if you want to be treated with respect or admired, act like a guy. Being a woman isn't good enough."

The Plastics.

Scarlett O'Hara doing the classic catty face.

So, while it's OK to know how to fix a car, enjoy sports and the like, just don't do it rebelliously because you think you're too good to be feminine. Odd how it's typically the females who accuse their own gender of being "too catty" or "too dramatic" to get along with, yet that is exactly what they are doing- being too insecure and catty to get along with their own gender. Not to mention guys will often ignore catty behavior from a tomboy if she is fun to hang out with, or better yet, will sleep with him (which is sadly what they usually end up doing), or he might not even notice it. Women who can't get along with their own sex are the ones with the problem, not their whole sex, and it is a typical attitude for someone with issues to blame other people and be in denial of their own said issues.

This picture, a screenshot from Rosalind Wiseman's book Queen Bees and Wannabes (which Mean Girls was actually based on) pretty much sums up the common tomboy description for girls but also women:

As this is what many young girls and women are encouraged to be like, I have to say it's flat out wrong, in that it's ungodly and severely unwomanly. By implying men make better friends and are better to act like (in personality, interests, etc.) you are putting men on a pedestal and pretending they're sinless and perfect while women aren't good enough- maybe they even deserve condemnation, despite the fact that men are ALSO, if not even more, catty, jealous, and competitive (that's in their DNA after all) than females of all ages. I don't trust girls who say they don't trust girls. See why?

It's now frowned upon to like anything traditionally feminine or behave like a lady. Girly girls are boring, weak, helpless idiots and genteel ladies are stuffy, uptight, dull prudes, and both groups are annoying. I mean, marriage and shopping and crafts and nurturing are ICKY!

The Ladette trope is overrated. Massively overrated. And while being girly is slowly coming back in style (even self proclaimed feminists are started to boldly proclaim they can like knitting and taking care of their families while being a strong feminist), it's a start, but we need to reclaim Biblical femininity, not just society's idea of it.

Couldn't find the picture of uber-tomboy Vasquez from Aliens working out with the guys, so this'll have to do.

Me buying a lacy wallet and pastel-colored clothing, while awesome, is not enough. Too many people, especially thanks to Hollywood's influence with fembot, butt-kicking action heroines, still think femininity is equal to weakness, except, of course, when used to seduce men (apparently being sexual objects is being powerful and in control of men?). Too many women faint at the sight of pink (this is a jab at the common "I'm not girly- I don't faint at the sight of a broken nail/mouse/dirt/etc"), think tattoos and piercings make them tough, and putting down their own gender makes them strong. None of that empowers our gender or men- making anyone seem perfect is never good. It's sexist and misogynist, a fine example of how sin has warped our sex.

What can we do? Start slow- doing little "girly" things every day and adjustments in our attitude. Don't worry about wearing skirts or having tea parties- that doesn't make you feminine (though it certainly helps!). Try to be a lady in all situations. Don't be afraid to ask for God's help, because in this culture and many others, you're gonna need it. Some tips on being a godly lady:

1. Keep your temper. Jesus had it right (of course): love your enemies. Naturally, this is easier said then done. Much easier. But a lady does not lash out at people. Try to remind yourself when someone is being rude or nasty that they're probably unhappy themselves. A great quote from one of my favorite books ever, A Little Princess: 

“When you will not fly into a passion people know you are stronger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn't said afterward. There's nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in--that's stronger. It's a good thing not to answer your enemies.” 

2. Don't be a doormat. #1 being said, that doesn't mean you should let people walk all over you, something society seems to think girly-girls are all about (while seeing them simultaneously as being self-seeking, spoiled and demanding... huh, I do wonder how they manage that at once). Stand up for yourself and keep your cool. Learn to say no, respectfully. Never be exploited, and never let someone make you feel guilty if you can't help or know they wish you to help them do something you know is wrong or inappropriate.

3. Be generous. When she can, a lady devotes her time to helping others. Do extra chores around the house before others living there can get to them. Go out of your way to help a client (or co-worker) at work. In fact, go out of your way to anyone, especially someone who seems to really need it- that extra seat on the  bus, your umbrella, extra cash to get groceries, whatever you feel compelled to help with. Even little things like letting your friend who's had a bad day borrow the book you just bought before you even get a chance to read it, or taking someone who seems hungry for company out to get coffee. A lady puts others before herself when she can. Another ALP quote:

“If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that--warm things, kind things, sweet things--help and comfort and laughter--and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all.” 

4. Don't be "one of the guys"- be FOR the guys. It's fine to be friends with guys, but don't look down on girls as not good enough to be your friend. You have no idea what awesome friendships you're missing out on! Girls and women can be there for you in ways men never can- would you feel comfortable telling you guy friend about girly problems like body image issues, shopping for bras or how your boyfriend has been trying to push you to go too far physically? Probably not. Not to mention, you probably don't need to worry about a girl trying to force your friendship into something more, or getting jealous of your date, or teasing you to impress her buddies and look macho. Of course, no one is a perfect friend, but girls as girl friends do tend to make the best ones. Also, do not compete with guys. You're not a guy, so why act like one? Not to mention, there are some areas you just might lose to them in and feel hurt about (guys are known to get carried away after a win OR lose). Focus on being there for them and giving them practical advice when they need it. Help them walk in purity, don't flirt with them.

5. Don't be a guy-chaser. Whether or not you choose to befriend guys, don't obsess over them, and definitely realize your worth with or without their approval. God didn't design you to be perfect when you received the admiration of men, He made you fine as you are. Your worth isn't defined by how many boyfriends you've had or how many guys checked you out. That's vain and insecure. Why waste time worrying about what guys think? Besides, they all have different opinions. You'd be 6 feet under before you managed to fit every ideal every guy has! Being single isn't synonymous with being weak. Realize you're strong enough to wait.

6. Pessimism is exhausting While very comfortable to do, feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make your problems go away. Have a good cry and self-pity, then get back on your feet and go on about your business. Optimism is healthier and frankly feels a whole lot better. If you make yourself believe everything is bad, everything will be bad for you. Always remember, there's people in worse situations than yours out there.

7. Elocution goes a long way. Slang can be funny (and goodness knows I know that) but a good vocabulary and proper way of speaking are better. Don't speak in an affected way to impress people. Swearing is ugly and sounds like a waste of an education (even if you're very angry, try not to do this). Try not to slouch as you speak or cross your arms too.

8. Girly hobbies are good for the soul. Invest your time in learning at least one hobby you consider girly- baking, crocheting, DIY projects, gardening, fashion designing, scrapbooking, decorating, etc. Many of these are quite practical, and who knows? You might end up loving it. "Manly" stuff like watching pro-wrestling or partaking in a burping contest are not impressive, classy, or cool.

9. Be quick to forgive. A lady forgives even wen forgiveness is not asked for. Again, this is easier said than done, but it's hugely important for your spiritual life and mental health. She also knows to ask for forgiveness and has the integrity to know when she's done something wrong. If you're worried this will make the opposing party feel conceited like they won and were in the right all along, don't think about it. Make it clear it doesn't matter who was right or wrong, and your apology is not a trophy for them to feel smug about. If that's all they feel when they receive an apology, don't bother getting into another argument with someone like that- they're not worth your time if apologies are just a pride issue to them.

10. Immodesty is overrated. This goes for attitude as well as dress. Conceit is an unflattering accessory on anyone, let alone as a staple in one's closet. Mystery never hurt anyone, and truthfully, if you have to try to be sexy with a tight shirt, stilettos, or short dress, you aren't. A humble outfit is much more attractive, as it says to people, "I am confident enough to not need to attract attention by dressing or acting promiscuously. I don't need boys ogle me to feel desirable or worthwhile." Of course, don't become so focused on how modest you are that it becomes a vanity!

I'm sure I'm missing many others, so perhaps I'll add onto this later. For now, these are some basics everyone needs to know anyway. 

Also, this was an EXCELLENT article on one of my recently discovered and favorite sites.

Zooey Deschanel's character on New Girl gets flack for being "girly" and "quirky" and she stood up for herself.

And let me add- I am NOT condemning you if you aren't hyper feminine. That's fine. You don't need to be passionate about girly stuff- you just need to be passionate enough God enough to want to be feminine in His  eyes. Even if you're a nonbeliever reading this, it still applies to you. One need not wear dresses every day and blog about fashion to be feminine. Hobbies and interests matter and say much about you, but true femininity is an attitude and lifestyle.  With all this being said, I hope greatly the proper ladies, girly girls, princesses, homemakers, and everyone else can reclaim femininity as the Anti-Ladettes.

Audrey Hepburn, the antithesis to the original Ladette, Kate Hepburn

Hearing God's Voice

OK, so in my last blog entry (which was only made a few minutes ago, because I'm afraid if I wait to write this later I'll either forget or be too lazy to), I mentioned how my dad and I had recently taken Wednesday evening classes at church called "Hearing God's Voice". Most of it involves us watching this Canadian preacher's sermon on hearing His voice, how hard it was for him at first and how it took him many years to learn how, and him describing each step on how to do this. The rest of the class, unfortunately for me, is getting into groups and discussing what we wrote in our "question journals", which is where you ask God things or talk to Him and write down what He says to you.

So, follow these steps (no skipping any):

1. Stillness: Find a quiet place where you won't be distracted by people, phones, the TV, etc.

2. Vision: Fix your eyes on Jesus, and use your eyes and heart to hear Him.

3. Spontaneity: It may be hard to believe that God doesn't speak in the thunderous voice of a mountain that many expect Him to have, but God most often speaks to us in our own voices, like a small, spontaneous thought in our minds.

4. Journaling: Write out the flow of thoughts and pictures within you.

The preacher (forgot his name) recommends that you try to imagine yourself actually with Jesus, sitting with him or whatnot, talking to him, then ask the question.

Though you may think it doesn't make sense to feel uncomfortable about sharing my questions with the group yet now with blog readers, but I don't personally know many of you nor will I probably ever see you in real life, so it's much easier. I first tried this the morning after the class when I stayed the night with my grandma and tried this up in her bedroom while she worked downstairs. Here is the first question and answer I got:

Q: God, what am I supposed to do this whole semester? I'm discontent with my work, miss school, and live so far from town.

A: Take the time to get to know Me. I'm here for you. Don't be afraid to ask anything. What I want you to do is stay at [your job], save up for school, and in the meantime learn about Me.

There was actually a lot more than that but I couldn't type it all out. But let me tell you, I was very surprised and impressed that it worked! I really felt like it was God speaking to me. And when I for a second thought maybe it was just my own personal thoughts, I looked back at all 6 pages in my medium-sized notebook I'd written in and pointed out to myself that I could not have come up with all that spontaneously and so quickly and still have it make perfect sense like it did, in such an amount of answers. Especially on my very first time trying this.

So how about you? Will you try it out? Believer or not, give it a try, if you really believe it could work.

New Year

So, once again, I've been pretty lazy about writing. A few months lazy, in fact. Well, I think God wants me to try writing more, so that's what I'll do.

But inspiration for a subject rarely hits me. I usually only feel like writing when I'm either annoyed at something, or it's something fun, like clothes and makeup (see my other blog for details). Plus, when you're annoyed or angered, it's kind of hard to write fairly and respectfully.

But I will try to make a point to write at least 1-2 times a week, and not just one short paragraph or anything. I don't believe in New Year's Revolutions, partly because I never even think of making any, but also because you shouldn't do that once a year. You should ALWAYS try to make changes for the better! So although it's well after New Year's Day, here's a few of mine:

1. Write weekly in this blog, not only to be informative but keep my writing muscle strong. It's also good for venting.

2. Exercise EVERY day. Doesn't matter how tired I am. Just listening to music in my room and practicing my dancing is a start. After that it'll be easier to do more stuff like Piloxing.

3. Develop more patience. As if this isn't hard enough in real life for most people, it's ever so much more trying online. So in relation to #1, whenever I feel the need to tell someone off as rudely as they are being to me, I'll take a quick break to listen to some songs and do some cardio. It's a great destressor and gives me time to think through what I want to say. This will also help my relationship with my dad, because I know I do get very impatient with him.

4. Eat better. This is very hard considering my dad buys pop and stuff that is less than healthy for you, and if you put it in the fridge, chances are I WILL eat it! It's not even that we hate healthy foods; quite the opposite, we love them. I noticed how much more satisfied I felt after eating carrot and celery sticks as opposed to chips, which fill you up but don't satisfy you.

5. Write in my "question" journal every day. We're taking a class called "Hearing God's Voice" at church Wednesday nights and just trying it for 2 days has me convinced it works- if you're willing to be patient and try.

Well! It's certainly been a long time since my last entry, hasn't it? I mostly only get inspired to write something when I'm angry or annoyed at something I feel matters. So far, a lot has changed for me (well, some things) but not necessarily enough to write about. Although, I do have some drafts saved. Maybe I'll go back to them.

So, I have my first job! It's stocking at the general store by my house. I'm so glad it's close. Unfortunately, since I'm not good at working the register (it is possible to not be good at counting change, trust me) and don't like it much, the main days for stocking are on Sat., Sun., and Mon. I did once on Thursday too. So I've been missing church every week for almost 3 months to work for 5 hours a week, but I don't want to complain. I have to go work from 6-11 tomorrow morning and I want to ask my manager if I can start doing Sat. & Mon. jobs each week and maybe Thursdays or whenever else too. That way = more church + more money.

Hopefully some muse will come along to strike my interests and I can get this blog going again!